When Dr. Bananas and I got together so many years ago, I remember we used to order Gevalia flavored coffee and boy we thought we were the height of sophistication.

There was a coffee club or something if I remember correctly. Hazelnut was a favorite. So was chocolate raspberry.

:: shudder::

She always made the coffee. It was a running joke that I was terrible at it. When she would have to visit her family out of State without me, I was left to my own devices and honestly, she made better coffee than I ever could. My own brew was terrible.

When she was in the hospital or when she started to lose her ability to stand long enough to grind the beans and pour the water, I started making the coffee.

I hated it.

I still hate it.

I was and is a reminder of what she was losing little by little… of what we were losing.

I got better at coffee making, I think. I don’t know. It doesn’t suck.. it’s palatable. It’s also not Gevalia so I think that helps.

One morning as I was grinding the beans, she very gently said “you know, maybe if you were to grind those a little bit longer, the coffee might come out a little darker”.

That was the closest she ever got to telling me that my coffee was still not as good as hers.

Now I grind the beans just that little bit more. I pour a small demitasse cup for her and lighten it just a little with a little Half and Half… the stuff with the lactose in it because it doesn’t matter anymore.

Her cup is always to the left of mine when I pour. She was always on my left. When we walked, when she would drive, when we sat on the couch. Always to my left.

Now I sit on her side of the couch, I sit in the drivers seat of the car. I still sleep on my side of the bed, but now Broadway, our very large stuffed bear is on her side. Broadway was who I used as a stand in for her to send Reiki when she was in the hospital or just not with me or when she didn’t want to be “fussed” over but still wanted to be supported…sometimes it was easier when she was across the room sleeping in her recliner. Broadway gives me comfort in the middle of the night when I’m lonely. I’m so grateful that the connection to her energy body was forged so strongly before she passed.

I still send her Reiki through Broadway. Her energy body still exists and it is my deepest wish that she is strong in her afterlife. Sometimes my hands just get hot and the Reiki just flows. I feel so close to her when that happens. It’s a gift I treasure.

It’s why I pour her coffee every day. It’s why I say a small prayer that the coffee feeds, supports her and gives her strength. She is my ancestor now and I still care for her in the small simple ways that I can.

I miss watching her make the coffee. I miss how she would set up the machine to brew the night before and say “don’t hit the button.. don’t hit the button” under her breath so that she wouldn’t be brewing the coffee at 10 PM by mistake. Sometimes, I say it too… a little Mantra in her memory.

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